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Witze von, für, über und mit Juristen

Here's a couple of mediocre ha-ha's to keep the corners of your mouths up for a second or two.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.


True Crime Stories

Spelling counts!

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "Ok" and left.

The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

¤¤¤

A picture is worth a thousand...

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs.

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Wrong number.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

¤¤¤

Wearing the evidence.

Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.

"Nonsense", said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it.

The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

¤¤¤

It's better to remain silent...

Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber.

Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "...If I'd been the one that was there."

The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

¤¤¤

Who said there are no stupid questions?

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer. Moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

¤¤¤

Not without proper I.D.

Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

¤¤¤

Dead weight.

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judge ruled that passengers must bealive to qualify.

¤¤¤

Teaching someone a lesson

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write'I will not pass through a redlight' five hundred times."


Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honour. I wasn't listening.

Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, your Honour, it's like the "Honourable" in front of your name. It doesn't stand for a damn thing.

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Do you have anything to say in your defence?
Defendant: Yes, your Honour. Habitual thirstiness.

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court? Judge: Of course. Defendant: If I called you a prick, what would you do? Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail. Defendant: What if I thought you were a prick? Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking. Defendant: In that case, I think you're a prick.


A Banker and a Lawyer were seated next to a Biker on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Banker bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Lawyer responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When the Biker remained silent, the Lawyer smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Banker arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."


"The Lawyer's Revenge": a True Story

I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tyres.

I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat-up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over-aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.

She proceeds to yell in my window: "Hey, slow down, you idiot."

I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.


"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"
"You were speeding. I watched you."
"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator.)
"I heard you."
"So, you measured my speed by ear?"
"I can hear."
"How fast did you HEAR me going?"
"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding. "What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.

"Are those mufflers legal?", Ethel asks. She's pushing it.
I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop.
She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says:
"What about those big tyres? They CAN'T be legal." I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.
"These tyres were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop, "Which makes them street legal as a replacement."
Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this jerk?"
The cop says, "No, I am not."

I've about had it.
So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."

"What?" The cop looks confused.
"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."

The cop says: "But, I didn't see any of this."
"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.

Yeah, I've got a law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it.


A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice: "How much do you want it to be?"


Television schedules are full of shows about the law. In the old days it was 'Perry Mason' and 'L.A. Law', and now it's 'The Practice', 'Law and Order' and 'Ally McBeal'.

Like most lawyers, I sit at home and pick them to bits; 'That'd never happen', 'If I did that I'd be kicked out of Court', and especially, 'No lawyer dresses that well'. What I'd really like to see is a realistic show about the law.

Scene 1:
Ally, our hero, is called into a partner's office and asked to work on a major case. She will be in charge of the Discovery process. There are 82 boxes of documents and her job is to look at every document and decide if it is relevant to the case. If it is, she is to put a red sticker on it.

Scene 2:
Ally alone in a dusty storeroom going through box 1, reading documents and putting a red sticker on about every third one.

Scene 3:
Ally in storeroom going through box 2, reading documents and putting a red sticker on about every third one.

Scenes 4-26:
Ally still in the storeroom going through boxes, reading documents and putting a red sticker on about every third one.
Halfway through box 8, Ally stops reading the documents and just puts a red sticker on about every third one.

Scene 27:
Ally in her office. The phone rings. It is a tall, dark, handsome stranger who she has been making eye contact with at the downstairs cafe. He asks her out for a drink. Ally says she'd love to, but she's hasn't got time.

Scenes 28-41:
Ally continues discovery.

Scene 42:
Ally continues discovery on the weekend. She's still in the storeroom but we can tell it's the weekend because she is wearing jeans.

Scene 43:
A few of Ally's friends are at the pub talking about how Ally has changed since she became a lawyer. They agree that she never comes out any more and has become abrupt and self-important.

Scene 44:
Ally at home. She tells her flatmate how excited she is that she has made budget. Her flatmate smiles nervously and edges toward the door.

Scene 45:
Ally at the doctor. She says she has been having visions of a Dancing Timesheet. He suggests that perhaps she is working too hard and needs a holiday. Ally says, 'I'd love a holiday, but I can't at the moment. The case I'm working on should finish at the end of next year, so I'll take one then.'

Scene 46:
The partner tells Ally that the case has settled. Ally realizes that all her Discovery work has all been for nothing, and begins to cry. The partner smiles nervously and edges toward the door.


Did you hear the one about Luigi, the Mafia gangster, and his Irish mate Paddy?

Luigi was charged with murder and, by some chance, Paddy was on the jury.
Luigi said to Paddy, 'You make sure they acquit me of murder and find me guilty of manslaughter only, and you'll get $1 million'.
So Paddy did his job. After hours of deliberation, the jury came back with a verdict of manslaughter.

On his way to prison, Luigi leaned over to Paddy and said, 'Thanks mate. The cheque's in the mail'.

Paddy said, 'And I've earnt it too. It took me hours to convince them to find you guilty of manslaughter. Everyone else on the jury had wanted to acquit you'.


Statements

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
* David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
* Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
* Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Kuwait."
* A. Whitney Brown


Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."


Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison..."


Firing Squad

Three women are about to be executed before a firing squad. One is a brunette, one is a redhead, and one is a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She replies, "No." The executioner shouts, "READY!...AIM!..."
Suddenly, the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and asks her if she has any last requests. She replies, "No." The executioner shouts, "READY!...AIM!..."
Suddenly, the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

By now, the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward, asks her if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "READY!...AIM!..."
The blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"


01. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.
02. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
03. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
04. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
05. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
06. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
07. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.
08. Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
09. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
10. Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense.
11. Conway's Law: In any organisation there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
14. Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.
15. Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
16. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.
17. Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government programme.
18. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programmes, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilisation.


The following comments were recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal. They apparently were asked of witnesses by attorneys - who wonders - during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:


Q: "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?"

Q: "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere."

Q: "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

Q: "Did he kill you?"

Q: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?"

Q: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Q: "How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?"
A: "Yes".
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"



Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Mr Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or a female?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8.30 pm." Q: "And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."


Et voilá

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetary.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.


Wicked Irony! True stories!

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.



True Story right from the Associated Press:

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, her eyes closed, and both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She had initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour-until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.


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